In weakness

I was filled with an overwhelming sense of joy and thanksgiving on Sunday. The cause of it? Two ex-students who visited me on Saturday night. We talked till 1 am and when they finally left my house, it was as if I had glimpsed the miracle of a mystical transformation.

Y and J were by no means angels when they were in school. Regular visitors to the Discipline Room, J was especially notorious and was threatened with expulsion a few times. Y and J had also been punished countless times for smoking and vandalism in school. When I became their form teacher in Sec 3, I was a fresh NIE grad, wet behind the ears, very unsure of myself, and pretty scared of some of the boys in my class who towered over me, kept their shirts unbuttoned, and came adorned with the occasional nose studs to dare me to book them.

Still, when they finally graduated after Sec 5, I really missed them. Which explains why we still keep in touch. I guess a teacher never forgets her first form class.

So here’s a post that’s dedicated to Y and J, diamonds in the raw, which my inexperience had failed to see earlier on, but which now I humbly and joyously acknowledge, are sources of inspiration to me, because I realize now, despite my weakness as a new teacher, you have taught me many precious lessons.

* * * * * *
In my weakness, I took a hesitant gamble and made J my class monitor. The class voted you in, and I didn’t know what else to do, except to respect the class’ choice. And despite words of caution from my colleagues who knew of your reputation, I thought I should at least let you try. You didn’t disappoint and I could hold my head high! Who would have thought?

In my weakness, I didn’t dare approach you and ask you about your police probation. I had chided myself then for not showing enough concern for you. But on Saturday, you revealed that that was precisely what you didn’t want teachers to do. And that those who probed and pried were the ones you hated, because you felt robbed of any last vestiges of pride you had left. So my reticence became a strength, although I didn’t know it then. Who would have thought?

In my weakness, I didn’t persuade Y to continue with his O levels even though he could. My lack of counseling skills then is now an embarrassment to me. But you had followed your heart and had graduated in the top 5% in ITE. You are now filled with a sense of purpose and had made plans for your future. I am now your greatest cheerleader and go around my classes to tell other students your story, that ITE is not the end. Again, who would have thought?

In my weakness, I didn’t know how to handle students who had a long list of disciplinary records. I only knew I had to think positive, pray hard, and smile more. I learnt on Saturday that you remembered, even now, the unkind words and looks you got from teachers who only remembered your bad deeds. That even when you had determined to change for the better, few believed you could. I now heave a sigh of relief that you could not recall any callous word I said to you. Otherwise we wouldn’t be chatting till 1am on Saturday. I didn’t realize then the destructive power of one unkind word, a look of contempt or a whiff of mockery and how they can stay in a person’s mind for many years. It is a lesson that I will remember for as long as I am a teacher and a parent.

* * * *
It’s always very challenging for a teacher to face a new class. The students size you up and sometimes, for reasons you do not know, they choose to give you a hard time. Y and J were pretty gentlemanly to me. And for this, I am exceedingly grateful. I was a weak, fumbling, inexperienced teacher then. And you gave me a chance. That had made all the difference. I hope I had made a difference in your lives too.


“For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
Apostle Paul (2 Cor 12:10)